They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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