Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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