I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I am morally bankrupt
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
