i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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