Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
