im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
