Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
