he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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