We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
