i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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