hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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