I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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