Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
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Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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