I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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