Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize