Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
