my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
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I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
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I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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