you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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