well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
