Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
