I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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