i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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