i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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