Just fell off a train. Bad.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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