hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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