New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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