She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
