That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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