i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
