DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
