Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize