I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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