Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
