I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
