you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize