i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
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It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
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I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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