It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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