do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
