Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Blood and glitter go together right?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
