Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
we should paint friendship bongs
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
