we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
