Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
