I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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