New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
This is my life. Enjoy the view
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED