Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
21 MILFs That Made The Boys Crazy
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago