so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?