My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
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Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
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All im saying is that my face might fall off.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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