Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son