Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
