she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
