my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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