There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
