Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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