It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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