So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
