Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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