We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
