The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
