Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
